Acceptance

I had to come to accept the fact that I am bipolar and it is more than merely the result of alcohol or other addictions. They did not help, but I remember screaming out the train in Germany. I was not being serious, but I get it. I was manic. I see elements in my family though perhaps they can make it without meds due to a lack of history with alcohol and drugs. I’m sure it runs back a ways. Maybe it is even what made my grandpa Nichols kind of successful and also empathetic to his employees. It’s not all that bad, but now a days there are so many drugs that we can easily damage ourselves pretty bad and need the help of psychiatry to recover. I used until too late into my life. I no longer doubt I will need a drug for the epileptic aspects to bipolar dual diagnosis for the rest of my life. I regret getting off my meds. I think that I get it at this point, but perhaps that was what John Nash needed to understand. He was crazy. It doesn’t change all that happened to him, but you can’t out think this. It’s just hard when you have a legitimately weird background. In the end, my understanding is he was 83 and claimed to have solved a problem with Relativity as well as had information on a global conspiracy of criminals. I don’t doubt either exist to some degree, but at 83, I’m guessing he couldn’t handle it off his meds, but due to the Nobel prize they couldn’t get him back on them. I see how it was a curse that destroyed him. May nothing like that ever happen to me. I am lucky. I understand my need for bipolar medication. I even understand I have the slightest edge of paranoia around me and that this requires the 5 mg of Abilify to resolve.