Is there something wrong with me

‘Nature vs nurture’ honestly misses the point. Some of it is chicken vs egg, but largely I need to deal with the hand I am dealt as I’ve played it thus far. I am personally capable of thinking beyond my predispositions while learning to cope with the limiting brain damage. Yeah, I learned to cope with anxiety and depression with substances. It took me to bipolar and schizoaffective, not that I can’t heal. I get I am much more emotionally stable than I’ve ever been, and regular sleep resolves psychotic aspects fully. The underlying issues have some chance to be smoothed out, though I still have days of painful anxiety. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It hurts to exist, and I get why I coped by drinking to pass out for so long. I titrated off of it, but the devil lingers to whisper bad ideas into my ear, so to speak.

• I get there is plenty wrong with me. I had poor coping skills and probably was a bit dumb in how I approached my social surroundings. I felt intellectually arrogant and socially inferior at my public school for monsters. The reality was quite the opposite. I was intellectually lacking but socially gifted with the grace of good people surrounding me.
• I used to blame my parents but no longer do. My son will have plenty to blame me about, and much of it will be legitimate and hurt me greatly because I love him more than anyone.
• I’m trying to be a good parent, but I get I’m honestly messed up. I get biological parents should almost never be separated from their role as parents… instincts are mostly good. Kids need to feel these. I was lucky to be booted from CPS due to what really was extreme office gossip and hysteria external to my behaviour or any reasonable justification.
• I stunted my ability to grow for a period with the discovery that I could shortcut to extreme pleasure with chemicals, but I’m not a machine. There is a separate aspect to my brain of conscious self-reflection. It’s not that I need to understand how it works. It’s that I need to understand that I existentially can determine it gives life value, including mine. It is horrible I held myself as wretched without regard to my own self-determination to my simple self-worth beyond hedonism.
• I learned to want to be alive. I needed to find my life has value beyond being a chemical machine in an environment I felt unworthy to impact.

I needed to want to truly live and care about my life. I see the importance of true repentance, as necessary for self-forgiveness and my desire to live. I still feel uncomfortable in my skin. Living is painful. I’m Mr Meeseeks and I’ve long had a strong work ethic. Much of it was so that I could afford to disappear mentally for the rest of the day. I lived Meeseekism. I’m trying to push through on less medication, especially that which is self-prescribed. I increasingly find the desire to struggle to be alive, and lucidly conscious. I couldn’t have done it without treatment for dysphoric hypomanic insomnia though.

What’s wrong with me? Maladaptive coping skills and so much more. I’m more than a little heartbroken that I’ve been a poor example to my son. I am also again in another unrequited romance. We’ve been married for four years and I suspect we both feel the demands and efforts are lopsided.

What’s right with me? Mostly my self-awareness of what’s wrong with me and the progressive changes I’ve made out of love for my son, myself, my family and my sense of community; from friends to my sense of humanity.